I've been working on myself for the last few weeks. I've allowed things to get under my skin and travel through my brains. These things have made a home for themselves within my heart, brain and..well....the rest of my body. I've been putting a stop to these bad habits that I've formed and to attempt to become positive again. The negative feeding into the negative and such.

It's taken me about a year, but my main script I've been working on has taken shape and is almost complete. I've also been working on a series within the last few days. I have the idea for the pilot in my head and I just need to get it onto paper.

Music has still been around me. Not as much as I could use, but I've been writing. I was hoping that I'd have something a little further along by this point, but I need to remind myself that things will happen the way they are supposed to and I can't rush progress.

I'm not afraid of dying, I'm more afraid of the journey to get there.

I'm so burnt out with my life. I've become everything that I told myself 6 years ago that I would never let myself become. I'm working 9-5, monday to friday in my box. My boring, depressing box. I feel like I'm already in my coffin. My life has become work. It's not even work that I want to do or even remotely enjoy. It's dull and stressful at the same time. I need to rediscover myself. I need to pull the better me back out of the abyss I've created in myself. I need to be me again.

I've been working my ass off and feel very very exhausted. I really need to find a better job that is outside of the healthcare field. It's not for me at all.

On a better note, Allison and I have been working together for the last couple of weeks on some music and we'll be joined by another guitarist on Friday. Things in that realm seem to be working nicely. We've already discussed a tour and have a manager of sorts who will be working with us and getting us together with other bands.

I'm going back to school in September to finally finish my Associates. FINALLY.

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"The cup is neither half empty or half full. It is simply a cup with a liquid in it that is necessary to sustain life. So, drink to life and don't waste time contemplating whether things are full or empty."

Where am I supposed to go from here? I can finish school, but then what? I have ideas pouring out of my brain and onto many pieces of paper, but they seem to lead nowhere. Even if I can see the path in front of me how am I supposed to just focus on that?

I believe that we're all here to accomplish something, whether it's one or many things, and that is all. The experiences we have up until that point are just the steps we need to take to get there. We're born to walk to learn the bit we need to accomplish something and then die.

It's a straight path...sometimes we get lost in the fog.

I have 18 days left to complete my goals of finishing at least one script/make a shooting schedule and to make a new band. I've been going pretty strong with the script I started working on in January, and I think that that can be completed within the time constraints I've placed.

As for the band, I haven't really put too much effort toward it yet. I have been coming up with some ideas for it, but whichever way I may go I'd still need to hunt down a drummer. I'm pretty sure I can still get this done before the end of the month. It'll just be more work.

I'm looking into certifications for becoming an animal trainer and, so far, the only one I've found is a home course for dog training that will cost around $3,000. Then, if you add the school costs for RVCC to finish my Communications degree...I'm really going to be broke for a while.

Oh, and I need to continue looking for a new job.

Oh yeah... and I've had the theme song to Sanford and Son stuck in my head for the better part of today.

I have 4 days left in my current apartment and I still have so much to finish up before I move.

I need to get my life in order and stop complaining about it.

Things are still feeling like they're going nowhere. I could use a massive change in things. I'm hoping that the new apartment will be more relaxing to some degree and will aid in bringing my brain back out of the void it's been stuck in and I can finally finish one of my scripts. I keep getting a lot of good ideas but I can never focus long enough to actually write something.

I've been applying for jobs as either a pet tech or pet trainer. I can't keep taking jobs just because the money is good or it might be less stressful. I need to start working toward something for my life.

I was denied FAFSA, not that I'm completely surprised about it, but it does put a damper on my plan of not having to pay entirely for the rest of my schooling. I'm still going to go back to RV in September, but I'm just going to have to pay for it on my own. I'm not going to take out another loan and I WILL finish it all within a year.

I WILL.

How about I post about something good for a change?

Alright, well, I'm alive. This is a good thing. I'm healthy. This is another good thing. I bought a new car. This has been so/so, but now it's good.

Ok that's enough with the good. Now on to the real.

I've been exhausted beyond what should be normal standards and I'm not really doing a lot. I'm still down about working in a field that I don't enjoy or can take something away from. I have been trying to work through more of my scripts, but I'm not making a lot of progress. I'm trying to find a new apartment for June 1st and I'm going out with a realtor on Saturday to find something. That should take a large portion of the stress off once that's taken care of.

I've just reached the point that I wish I could go back about 4 or 5 years ago and redo things. I had my passions then. I felt like I had some direction. I really need to just drop everything and work toward my life. I'm so tired of saying the same shit over and over and not seeing any progress.

I'm hoping that I can actually follow through this time...

I got the new(but not completely new) job with Grace hospice. Initially I was excited about it, but after everything sank in it's now bothering me. It is for the best for the moment, but I am frustrated because I'm basically going from the job I don't like to the same job just in another town. Overall it's going to be for the best for me. There are so many more perks with it. First is that I'm going to be making $1.10 more per hour. Next is that they have more structure than Care Alternatives; meaning that they actually know how to treat their employees and know how to do their jobs. Third is that I don't have to pay out of my check for my health insurance. All of this together will, hopefully, give me less mental strain and I will be going back to school in September. The interview process was the shortest one I've ever been in. I was in and out within 30 minutes and 10 minutes after I left I got the call back offering me the position. I guess it's just time to wait and see.

I'm going to test drive a couple of cars on Thursday and buy one on Saturday. I'm looking into the Matrix in a dark gray.

Other than that I've been working one writing some ideas for commercials and films. I need to work on a complete idea though. Most of them are just thoughts or possibilities.

Life is filled with many many hills and valleys. I feel like they have become more extreme as I get older. It used to be all about simple things. A valley when I was younger was if I had a bad day because I had a test or because I wasn't dating someone anymore. Now it's being stuck in a shitty job for 2 years or being in debt or just being broke. And, as for the hills, they've become few and far between but I wouldn't trade them for anything. When I was younger they were simple things like hanging around the house over the summer. Then I got a little older and it took a little more to make the hills. I was in Infinity Ends and that was like one huge hill. It was the highlight of my life for a couple of years. It then led into me meeting Kim and the hill was going even higher. Then things just came crashing down. I moved out, and I don't regret this at all, but it just led me into working in the job I'm in now and being stuck here for 2 years. Plus, it led into some financial problems. While I still had Kim with me, I allowed the valley to swallow me whole. The hills were feeling as though they were diminishing or vanishing completely because I let my life become engulfed in all of the bad.

I've finally begun to climb back up a hill again(or I'm actually appreciating the good things again) because I've been taking care of myself finally. Many good things are happening at the same time, which definitely is a boost to the self esteem.

It's just funny how, when we're younger, it takes less for us to realize and appreciate the hills and, when we get older, it feels like it takes so much more to appreciate what we did back then. The reality is that it doesn't and shouldn't, but we forget to enjoy the simple things. We allow ourselves to become blinded by the simple bad things that we can all take care of.